Dating in today’s world can be challenging . The old rules do not seem to apply and we don’t know the new ones. Radical Dating is here to help you eliminate dating frustration, break through the barriers, and find the love you desire. In the show we address mindset, dating strategies, self-discovery, understanding of relationships and the basic skills needed for successful dating. In today’s blog, I want to give you some ideas and practices for breaking through the roadblocks and challenges.
Roadmap for dating
There are some secrets to dating successfully. Most singles go out looking for a partner with a vague idea of what they want in a relationship and whom they hope to meet. This is like heading out on a trip without a map and hoping you get there. Chances are you will end up someplace you didn’t want to go or just drive around, lost indefinitely. This is one reason so many singles are frustrated with dating. You need a road map for dating just as you do for going on a trip.
The road map for dating consists of knowing what you are looking for before you start to date. Most people have a shopping list of what they are looking for. Take a minute and write down your shopping list for a partner. Now, I suggest that you tear up that list. This list may be narrowing the dating pool too much, and you could be missing out on potential partners.
One of the secrets to dating successfully is to know what core values or requirements you are looking for in a relationship. The “must haves” will only be a list of about 5 to 10 things that, without those, you would not be happy. You are looking for a relationship not a specific person. You are looking for someone who has the same vision in life as you and the same core values. For example, if you want to get married and have children, why waste time with someone who does not want those same things.
There is a saying that while you are busy looking for the perfect person, the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy just got away. I have heard lots of people say that their ideal partner ended up being someone they never thought they would end up with. So, I encourage you to spend some time looking at and writing down your core requirements. It will be your road map for evaluating potential partners.
When I started dating again after being married for 28 years, I imagined myself with a businessman. I pictured the suit and tie. I imagined the things we would do together, things I had done with my ex-husband and loved to do. Luckily, I learned about dating requirements and came up with a list of my must haves. Suit and tie was not on that list. Walking the beach with me and hiking wasn’t on that list either. Those would be nice but not requirements. I made of list of things like: spending quality time together, mutual respect, and shared parenting philosophies. These were just a few of the things that were important to me. If I had not done this and dated with these qualities in mind while being open to the rest, I would not have met my current husband. He is not someone I would have pictured myself ending up with. He is retired law enforcement, rides a motorcycle, and is perfect for me and my family. He meets all of my requirements and I have discovered new things I love, like traveling on the back of a motorcycle.
Know who to date
Now that you are clear on your relationship requirements, you will no longer date anyone who does not meet all of them. Successful singles do not continue to date anyone who has core values that differ from theirs or who have a different vision for the future. They know how to look for red flags and deal breakers. They have fun on dates but are also evaluating the other person to see if they meet their requirements. They do not fall for someone just because they are good looking, have a good job, like the same things, or have great chemistry. They are able to balance their heart with their head.
Positive Beliefs and Feelings
We have talked about this already in previous blogs, but it is so important that it deserves mentioning again.
It is essential to put the past behind you and deal with any unresolved issues. Learn to live in the present and believe that each day is a new beginning full of possibilities. Believe that love and happiness are possible and become excited about not only finding your partner but enjoying the journey.
I encourage you to make a list of any negative thoughts or beliefs you have regarding dating. Below are some examples. Do you recognize any of these?
- The word “always” or “never” is used when you talk about the opposite sex or your experiences with dating or relationships.
- You think all men or all women act a certain way. For example, all men cheat or all women play games.
- You see your friends unhappy in their relationships so you think why even bother. Or your friends are unhappy with their dating experience so you give up hope of finding someone.
- You can’t have success in business or other areas of your life and be in a relationship. You think you have to choose because you cannot have it all.
This was one of the beliefs my client, Wendy, had when we first started working together on the show.
- You think you have to give up too much to be in a relationship. You have to give up your independence, your friends, your family, or your interests and hobbies.
- You think the relationship will just end so why even bother getting started. This has been your past experience and you do not believe a different outcome is possible. Even if the relationship ends, you will have the experience and will have learned something you can apply to the next one. Relationships are how we learn and grow in life.
- You are looking in the same places and doing the same things while dating hoping for a different outcome. You have a checklist for your mate but can’t find him/her.
This is only a partial list to get you started, so take some time and start writing down your beliefs and thoughts. Finding the right partner is essential in having the relationship you have always wanted and deserve. If you are frustrated with your efforts to find love, there is a chance you are sabotaging your efforts without even realizing it.
Become happy with the life you have and are look forward to adding someone to that life. You are not looking for a relationship to fix anything. You are not dwelling on the lack of a relationship but rather focusing on the desire to have a partner. You are tuned in to the love and happiness you will share even before your partner shows up.
Confidence
Successful singles have an air of confidence about them. Become the best person you can be. Your words and actions must match, and you need to be the kind of person who will attract what you are looking for. It is important to have a strong sense of what you have to offer in a relationship. This is very attractive to potential partners. Are you acting and living in a way that will attract your ideal partner? What changes do you need to make in your life to be the best partner you can be?
Each day is a new opportunity to learn and grow and show up as the best person you can be. Take this wonderful “you” out into the world and get to know other wonderful people until you meet the one who is perfect for you!
Take Action
Successful singles take all this knowledge, positive beliefs, and confidence out into the world on a daily basis. They are willing to take risks and try things outside of their comfort zone. They join new groups, sign up for online dating, find new places to explore and new routines that allow them to meet more singles.
Now that you know what it takes to be a successful singles, you are ready to go out and find the partner that is right for you. It is time to try some Radical Dating.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS
Certified Relationship Specialist
www.LoriAnnDavis.com