In my work as a relationship coach, this question comes up frequently. Clients have worked on dating readiness, practiced their dating skills, and have found someone that they believe is the right one. Now they are wondering if it is the right time to move in together. This means different things to different couples. For some, it means making that leap to a life time commitment including marriage. For others, marriage is not a step they want to take but the commitment for a life time partner is the same. Both are looking for that one special person to spend the rest of their lives with.
This is the key to deciding if it is time to move in together. Living together is not generally helpful for pre-committed couples. If the motivation for living together is to find out if you are truly compatible, you are not ready. You can find out everything you need to know about someone from dating. Yes, there will always be things you do not know until you live together, but these are generally areas you can work out if you are truly committed to the relationship.
It is time to move in together when you are in a committed relationship and you both agree to be all in! There are no back doors or exit strategies at this point in the relationship. You are 100% committed to spending the rest of your life with this person. How do you know you are ready?
Time
You have taken the time to really get to know each other. You know your requirements and deal breakers and have discussed them. You and your partner have requirements that match and you feel secure that this relationship is the one you are both looking for.
Lifestyle Compatibility
Do you envision the same lifestyle? Have you discussed what your day to day life will look like, how and when you will vacation, how you will deal with children and extended family, social activities, friends, retirement plans, and all the other things that go into joining two lives? You do not have to match lifestyles in all these areas but you do need to talk about them and be comfortable with a lifestyle plan you co-create.
Fight
You have had your first fight and survived! Yes, every couple is going to have a fight every now and then. In the beginning of the relationship, this is a milestone. Can you disagree passionately about something, can you get your feeling hurt, or can you have a big misunderstanding and work through it? This tells you a lot about your commitment level and skills for conflict resolution.
Finances, etc.
Have you talked about how you expect to run your life as a couple? Have you discussed where you will live, how the bills will get paid, who will cook and clean, and other daily living topics? It is important to talk about these issues as part of the discovery process of dating. It is much easier to talk calmly about these areas before you move in together. Yes, there will be tweaks and adjustments after the fact, but at least you know you have the same values regarding these issues before you live together.
Vacation together
Have you taken a vacation together? It does not have to be a fancy vacation but there is nothing like spending 24 hours a day with someone in a new environment to learn a lot about each other.
Communication
Can you communicate openly with each other about your needs, desires, and wants? Are you being yourself around this person or do you still feel like you have to hold back so they will like you? We want to put our best effort into relationships always, but it is also important to be able to be ourselves completely and feel accepted for who we are. Having open, honest communication is how you grow in a relationship.
Quality time together
Are you spending enough quality time together already? Are you past the honeymoon phase in the relationship? If so, and you feel secure in the relationship you have created, then it might be time to take the next step and move in together. This can mean marriage or not depending on your beliefs and preferences, but it should mean you are 100% committed to the relationship.
If you are still wondering where you relationship stands and what the next step is, I can help. Contact me to schedule a strategy session.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS
Certified Relationship Specialist