This is a question that comes up frequently in my practice. Does this sound familiar? You have been dating for a while and thing are going really well. He is giving you lots of attention, spending time with you and telling you how much he cares. You feel very hopeful about the relationship’s future. Then all of a sudden he starts to pull away, taking you for granted, or at least that is how it seems. You feel confused and do not know what to do. You might confront him, argue, make ultimatums, or even leave.
The same kind of scenario plays out in long-term relationships as well. There are times you feel very close and in-sync with your guy. He is giving you lots of attention, you are spending time together, communication is good, and you feel emotionally connected and in love. Things could not be better. Then all of a sudden for no apparent reason, he pulls away and is distant. He goes into his shell.
This happens in relationships for a variety of reasons, and is actually quite normal. If you understand the reasons why men act this way, you will have the power to draw him closer instead of chasing him off when he starts to pull away.
In the beginning of a relationship, we see the best in the other person. As time goes on, we start to notice things we do not like. No one is perfect. This is the point where women might start to think that the guy has great potential if only he would change a few things. We become harder to please which confuses men. He then pulls back trying to figure out what he has done wrong, or he feels like he cannot succeed and may quit trying. Remember, men really do want to succeeded and please us. The key here is to accept him for who he is. The closer he feels to you, the more he will want to be the best he can be. If you need to change him for the relationship to work, maybe he is not the right match for you, or maybe you are expecting too much.
Another reason men pull away is to feel like a man. It is natural for them to need time alone. They like to be close to us and enjoy our company but they need a balance. Women, in general, are more social in nature and look for connections. Sharing bonds women together. They crave that closeness with their guy and do not understand when he feels the need to pull back. Women wonder why his feelings have changed. The truth is their feelings have not changed. Men enjoy closeness, but they also need time alone or with male friends. Understanding that this is normal can break a negative cycle in relationships.
When women do not understand why men pull away, they may start to act needy or angry. This behavior can end a new relationship or cause an existing one to deteriorate. When he does come back, he is ready to reconnect, but frequently, he is met with anger or hostility, which drives him away again. Instead of confronting him, try understanding. Instead of becoming upset, make the most of it. Now that you understand the natural pattern, you can take time with girlfriends or time alone to pamper yourself while he is away. Allow him to miss you. By giving him the space he needs, you can enjoy reconnecting when he comes back. You will build a stronger relationship this way. The safer and more accepted he feels, the less time he may need alone and the quicker he will come back. He will learn to trust you, and his love for you will deepen.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS
Certified Relationship Specialist