Just in case you haven’t heard the term, ghosting is when someone ends the dating process by simply disappearing with no explanation. You meet someone and it seems like things are going well. There might be lots of texting, phone calls, and possibly some enjoyable dates; then they just stop responding. You are left scratching your head wondering where they went and what went wrong. As if dating isn’t hard enough, dealing with ghosting is annoying and at times hurtful.
This really isn’t a new concept, it has always happened but with technology our communication is more impersonal and more people are taking the easy way out. I tell clients who are new to the dating process to expect this to happen and to be prepared. Most people don’t like to be ghosted but the reality is, if you talk with enough people, it will happen.
What do you do when you have been ghosted?
The first thing to do is to make sure you really have been ghosted. Technology is not always reliable. Texts don’t always go through and people do not always get phone messages. Technology glitches happen! Another possibility is something could have come up unexpectedly in their life. It is ok to reach out one more time and check in as long as you do it nicely. Assume something happened other than ghosting.
If you do not hear from them after the second attempt, leave it alone and stop contacting them. Don’t go down the road of badgering or becoming angry in your communication. This just makes you look crazy and probably won’t faze them at all. It puts you in a negative frame of mind which does you no good. Don’t waste another moment on them as they obviously were not a good match for you to begin with.
Stay away from wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Do not let this one act from someone else create self- doubt. This is not a reflection of you, but of them. Remember, it might not be about you at all. Something could have come up in their life, you might not be their type and they didn’t know how to tell you, or they didn’t want to hurt your feelings and somehow thought this was better. I know, you would much rather them tell you no matter what the reason. Chances are if they had the skills to do so, they would. This is an opportunity for you to learn something about them. The process of dating is meant as a way to get to know the other person to decide if they are a good match for you. No matter where you are in the dating process when they disappear, you have learned that they are not someone you want to continue a relationship with. It is simply time to move on.
Being ghosted feels lousy, but so does an in person breakup. I cannot stress enough the idea of not getting caught up in the drama of being ghosted and all the negativity that can go along with it. You only hurt yourself when you get angry. Every day you spend dwelling on someone else’s behavior is one day you are not available to meet the right one for you.
What if this is a pattern in your dating experience?
If you notice that you are experiencing this behavior on a regular basis, it might be time to dig deeper to see what is going on. Is there a pattern in the kind of people you are meeting that are ghosting you? What do they have in common? You might be picking the wrong kind of men/women to date.
How comfortable are you on dates? Are you unintentionally sending the wrong signals so your dates think you are not interested? Do you need to let them know you are having a good time and are interested in seeing them again? If ghosting becomes a pattern, it could be a sign that you would benefit from some help with choosing dates or with dating skills. Don’t hesitate to reach out and talk to a dating coach for some help. Dating is a journey with good and bad experiences that all provide opportunities for learning, until you reach your desired destination.
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Blessings,
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS
Certified Relationship Specialist