As a relationship specialist, I help couples renew their marriages, but sometimes those marriages cannot be saved. Sometimes the best decision for all involved is to move forward separately. Making a decision to end a marriage or long-term relationship is never easy and should not be taken lightly. How do you know when it might be time to move on with your life without your partner? Here are five signs that it might be time to let go.
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You are no longer a couple.
This can happen gradually over time, but one day you will wake up and realize that you are no longer a team. You feel alone in the relationship. You might find yourself daydreaming about a life without your partner. You do not spend time together and are happier when you are apart. You no longer share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. They are no longer your best friend and confidant.
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One partner refuses to work on the relationship.
You might want things to improve, but you find that you are the only one willing to try. Your partner has already checked out of the relationship, whether they say so in exact words or not. You find that either you or your partner start acting single in the relationship. You might have grown separately in your visions of the future. You are going in different directions and do not want the same things in life anymore.
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There is no longer respect in the relationship.
You feel dismissed, rejected, unheard and unloved in the relationship. The two of you cannot compromise in terms of your wants and needs. Your partner has an attitude of it being all his/her way. They will not listen to your views or meet your needs. You are no longer solving problems together. This goes on for an extended period of time and is not just a season in the relationship that will pass or can be worked through.
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The bad outweighs the good.
This is something that I always ask couples to do that are considering a separation or divorce. Make a list of all the good things about your partner and the relationship, include even the smallest of details. Make another list of the things that you do not like, needs that are not getting met, or problems in the relationship. This will help you to step back and evaluate the relationship with a broader perspective. Sometimes we can get bogged down in the details and miss what is good about the relationship. Does the good outweigh the bad, or is the relationship really over?
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Sex and affection have left the relationship.
I know life can get busy, and sex and physical affection can take a back seat. This can be just a stage in your relationship, and I have written blogs and a book chapter on how to get the passion back. There are times, however, when the lack of affection and sex goes deeper than just being busy or not making time together a priority. How long has it been since there has been any physical intimacy in your relationship? I have talked to clients where the answer is years. They are living as roommates not partners. Sometimes a couple can be having sex, but one partner really does not want to be. They are just trying to avoid a disagreement. When the passion and intimacy is missing in a relationship, it is a sign that the relationship is in trouble.
Not dealing with problems in your relationship can lead to resentment and eventually cause one or both partners to give up on the relationship.
Ending a relationship is never an easy decision and frequently if problems are caught soon enough, resolution is possible. Making an investment in your marriage is always worth the effort. I suggest that before you make any permanent decisions, seek outside counsel from a professional.
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS