“The more you appreciate and love your partner, the more they will appreciate and love you.”
The one question I hear the most as a relationship expert is, “How do I get my husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend to …?” You can fill in the blank; show me more attention, make a commitment, appreciate me more, have more sex, be more involved in our relationship, and the list goes on. This question is asked by singles, individuals already in a relationship and couples who have been married for 20 plus years. Perhaps it is that one partner is not happy with one or more aspects of the relationship and wants to know how they can get what they want and deserve from their partner. They are looking for something that is missing.
The question being asked is how to get the other person to give them what they want. The answer lies in what changes the person asking the question can make in order to get what they desire. This does not always go over well with the person asking for help. The next question I hear is, “Why do I have to be the one who changes?” This can actually stop some people from seeking help. I do not want that to stop you from getting what you want and deserve. I want you to understand that if you continue to do things in the same way, you will continue to get the same results. You only have control over you, but you can have influence over your partner or potential partner.
The reason you are in a relationship in the first place is to love and be loved. When you love someone, you want to do all you can to make him or her happy and to feel that same happiness in return. When you know how to truly give them what they desire, then they are motivated to give you what you want in return. The idea is for both partners to benefit. A problem arises when you get caught up in what is missing, and that becomes your focus. Now I am not suggesting that you do all the giving and continue to get nothing in return. What I am telling you is that the best way to get what you want is to give your partner what they truly desire. This creates the desire in them to please you.
The next problem is that we do not really understand what our partner needs. We give them what we need and get frustrated when it doesn’t work. We blame them and quit trying. This causes new relationships to end and deteriorates long- term relationships. Men and women are very different in what they want and need from relationships. Unless you understand these differences, your efforts do not get you the results you want and frustration sets in. For the remainder of this article, I will give you some ideas of what your partner really wants from you so you can start doing the things that will get results instead of adding to your frustration.
For women, it is important to feel loved and cherished. We want reassurance about how you feel, and we want it often! This can include saying I love you, letting us know you think we are beautiful, that you are attracted to us, that you want to spend time with us, listen to us, and do something nice for us. Each woman has specific things that mean more to her than others. Start by simply asking her how she would feel most loved and cherished. Also try small things, and see how she reacts. When she feels loved, cherished and wanted, she will feel closer to her you and will want to do things to please you in return.
Men want and need different things from a relationship. When women over-give to them and try to do for them, they feel like we do not trust them or respect them. For men, respect is the priority. It ranks higher than sex even in what they are looking for in a relationship. Men are attracted to women and stay attracted by how they feel when they are with them. They want to feel accepted and loved for who they are. They do not want a partner who wants to change them. They need to feel appreciated, needed, successful and accepted. When they get this from a relationship, they are ready to commit and to give love to a woman.
If you are struggling to find and keep happiness in a relationship, find out what you can do to be the best partner you can be. This is the first step in getting the love you want and deserve from your relationship. Do not hesitate to reach out and get help.
For more information, go to www.lorianndavis.com to read other blogs, order my book, Unmasking Secrets to Unstoppable Relationships, or contact me for a free strategy session to get started on your Unstoppable Relationship today!
Lori Ann Davis, MA, CRS
Certified Relationship Specialist